okay I admit it I suffer from depression and yes it really hurts. Feeling stuck, unmotivated, lacking interests in things and having a constant state of sadness and agitation consume me nearly everyday of my life. It's not easy to talk about it with people because a fear of them blaming you for something you inherited from your parents. They say going to the gym is the perfect medicine for depression because your body releases quote on quote "feel good chemicals" called Endorphins which also acts as a sedative. While that is all and good it's not enough and medication is needed to further assist the mind. I'm gonna stop for now. Good night hopefully I can sleep and this large weight of guilt will be lifted off me but I doubt it.

This is not easy

Who knew SAD can have such a major impact on your mental health. It feels so painful and crippling to a point where I feel I cannot overcome this complicated issue. Waking up every morning feeling very sad, lonely, scared and miserable seems to be the norm this year so far. I've been meaning to go back therapy once I get my medicaid. Being able to talk to someone who will not only listen to me but not scold me with harsh and painful judgement that will leave me in tears and put more blame on myself. There's something wrong with me I know it because not only does it not feel good but it doesn't feel right. It's almost as if I am my own prisoner and thus being punished. The very idea of me applying myself and doing something different with my life seems impossible and unlikely due to my limited skills and talents. Or the fact that I am so terrified of failing or becoming unhappy with what I do I'll just keep bouncing around from one interest to the next. This winter has been long and miserable with temperatures dipping well below normal for the past several months. I swear it feels like warmer weather will never get here and that we are stuck in an ice-age. Well that's all for now I'll catch you on the flip side. -Jimmy

Remember me?

I want you to remember me for who I was not for what I am about to do. For everybody who tried to help me in life I want to say thank you. You took a shine to me and I never really figure it out why. I am flattered but I never really saw the mass appeal of somebody like myself who seems so helpless at times it's painful to watch. Never being smart, funny, intellectual, and being to able to socialize with people correctly was my Achilles heel.
This messed with my subconscious and scrambled my basic understanding of what people were trying to convey and turned them into something else. I inserted words and actions into their minds and assumed they hated me clearly because of my accidental existence and the way I look. Well, that's it for the night I am tired and need some rest I have a performance to give the next night. Cheerio Cowboy

Another Meaningless Day

What am I doing? Why is it important? The answers to both of these questions I don’t know. I find it amazing how easily someone can lose their mind when they realize they have nothing to live for. Am I the first? Unlikely: have people done stupider and more questionable things? Without a doubt: Here I am sitting in front of my computer typing this dribble as my night gets dull, boring and meaningless. A huge sigh comes out of the mouth of my fat, balding, unemployed, worthless, hopeless, sad, weird puss bag self. Where can I go from here? I do not know; I have friends (three by my count) I rarely see anymore and have grown more closed, private, and depressed since late November. These people who have found happiness in their lives don’t want to hear about my problems. I choose to not say anything about myself and spare them the negativity. I am a cardboard cutout dwindling in the background on the set of “Life”.
Demoting myself from a college graduate who has potential of being a promising performer has relocated from Chicago to Elgin. All the progress and plans I have made were for shit. Now I sit at home withering away like a rotten piece of fruit and losing the knowledge from the last five years of college I need to make it in the big city. I have lost a major battle and a recovery is nowhere in the making. Tom Petty was wrong when he said “I won’t back down” because I have now that I lost all of my advisers who keep me strong. Times like these make you wonder if you are allowed to exist in a world where people don’t want you around.
I am in terrible pain and sick. Not very ill but sick to a point where I know something isn’t right. Pointless it is to talk to somebody about your problems because all they would want to do is walk away because they have better things to do. Comforting a loser like me cuts into people’s time where they can be doing something better. Hey wait a minute did I already say that? Yeah I did. Shit! Now I am running out of things to say. Running out of gas and my tank is on E and without a gas station in sight I am going to breakdown. How do blogger's do this every day? Man I really lack something to be writing psycho babble and nowhere am I close in making a point. Well tomorrow is another day with new and endless possibilities. Well if that’s what you call it, I feel sorry for you.

pointless

What’s the point of committing yourself to anything? You’re just going to fall flat on your face. In this world I am alone with no friends, no job, lack of confidence and no support from anybody. Everyone is doing so well that they don’t have time for someone like me because I am sad, weird, and hopeless. If you don’t believe me ask those who use to know me. They will tell you “I can care less about that short, fat, balding loser who has not done anything with this life”. Given how things have been going for the past six months I am surprised I haven’t offed myself yet. “People don’t have time to console an unhappy, unmotivated, depressed soul who has nothing to offer in life. It would be beneficial for that loser to just die so we won’t have to hear about how pathetic his life is. Why hasn’t anybody pushed him to do it yet? He is really cramping everyone’s style? I don’t care how he does it! Jump in front of a train, run out in front of traffic, hang yourself, cut your wrist/throat. Whatever do something and shut the fuck up” One thing people don’t understand is that some of us are not cut out for life. We didn’t ask to be born and neither did I. If I was, I would have a purpose in life and have something to shoot for. Unfortunately I do not and therefore I am an accident who is being punished with spending a lifetime on earth. When people tell you they don’t have time for you it is because they have better things to do. Making their life better, finding happiness, finding and achieving their purpose etc. At age seven I developed a disease where I am unable to socialize with anyone. This has destroyed my life but I shouldn’t be too upset because those without a purpose were not meant to live. To be in the presence of my company is rather difficult and some would say nauseating as I struggle to fit in and come off as an idiot. For years people have suffered due to my existence and have been scarred for life because of me. If I was a decent human being I would have apologized to all of them. They deserve better!!!! .