okay I admit it I suffer from depression and yes it really hurts. Feeling stuck, unmotivated, lacking interests in things and having a constant state of sadness and agitation consume me nearly everyday of my life. It's not easy to talk about it with people because a fear of them blaming you for something you inherited from your parents. They say going to the gym is the perfect medicine for depression because your body releases quote on quote "feel good chemicals" called Endorphins which also acts as a sedative. While that is all and good it's not enough and medication is needed to further assist the mind. I'm gonna stop for now. Good night hopefully I can sleep and this large weight of guilt will be lifted off me but I doubt it.

This is not easy

Who knew SAD can have such a major impact on your mental health. It feels so painful and crippling to a point where I feel I cannot overcome this complicated issue. Waking up every morning feeling very sad, lonely, scared and miserable seems to be the norm this year so far. I've been meaning to go back therapy once I get my medicaid. Being able to talk to someone who will not only listen to me but not scold me with harsh and painful judgement that will leave me in tears and put more blame on myself. There's something wrong with me I know it because not only does it not feel good but it doesn't feel right. It's almost as if I am my own prisoner and thus being punished. The very idea of me applying myself and doing something different with my life seems impossible and unlikely due to my limited skills and talents. Or the fact that I am so terrified of failing or becoming unhappy with what I do I'll just keep bouncing around from one interest to the next. This winter has been long and miserable with temperatures dipping well below normal for the past several months. I swear it feels like warmer weather will never get here and that we are stuck in an ice-age. Well that's all for now I'll catch you on the flip side. -Jimmy